Every year as I get older I bump into news articles that remind me of the milestones that have passed in my life.
Today is the day that A Level results get released, which means, I received my own A Level results exactly one year ago.
Currently I’m sitting in the Student Learning Center in UC Berkeley. It is a quiet 11am and the sun is beginning to shine again. It has been raining the past week, and the wind has been howling, but generally the weather is quite nice.
All things considered, the A Levels doesn’t really matter in my life anymore.
I mean, that’s easy for me to say. One year on, I don’t feel the weight of my A Level results precisely because I am where I want to be, and I’m certainly happy. I have met so many people whom I care about (and who care about me). I don’t think I can imagine, anymore, the what-if of doing badly (and there really isn’t a point for me in doing so).
I remember the days leading up to that Friday. It wasn’t as stressful as others would make it out to be, though I believe that that was more of an indicator of my own confidence rather than how people generally feel on the release of A level results.
On the day of results collection, I lazed the whole morning (I mean, what else was there to do?). I played some games, had a little lunch, went to school early. Took pictures with my friends, caught up with them. Looked at a lot of bald heads too.
I don’t remember feeling any sort of way, having to go back to school. I had already started going to RGS for robotics and such, it wasn’t too far away. I really loved going to RGS (as a robotics instructor, not so much as a student); I think that calmed me down significantly.
The days leading up to result collection, I tried my best to keep my mind away from the results, the what ifs. It wasn’t really like “What if I did badly”, but rather “What if I’m disappointed”. I figured that I was guaranteed to get like, what, 3 As (Math, Chemistry, Physics) which is already considered to be quite good (enough to get me into whatever course I wished to, in Singapore).
Needless to say, I would still have been disappointed, and that was what I was stressed about. I would’ve thought about how I didn’t study enough when I should’ve (I played DCSS for hours during the A Level exam period, particularly the day before the Econ Paper 2 exam), and how all my time spent reading up on current affairs would’ve gone to waste.
Now, it seems so small. I’m currently worrying about my CS midterm, which I have no plan to study for (I don’t really have anything to study. I am going to walk into the exam hall, and do my thing. This is what I’ve told everyone, but it’s true.). This is so much smaller than the A Levels (not even worth 10% of my grade, and allows for multiple retakes) and yet I know that I do not want to do poorly. Not because I lack confidence in doing well, but because of the hassle of doing a retake. Perhaps I am lazy, but this is a great safety net just in case.
One day all my worries regarding my studies will become a story that I will try to recall in the future, but find it difficult to put into words, because I don’t remember much at all. While writing on my Substack, I tried to recall what I did last year before my results collection, and I couldn’t remember much at all. It is so odd, because in the moment it feels like the whole world and one’s entire life hinges on that one exam, that particular moment. I tried looking through my camera roll to jog my memory, but there wasn’t anything there. I tried looking through my Instagram story archive, but there isn’t anything there either. It really doesn’t matter anymore.
It will all be okay, regardless of the result.
im so glad ur my future roommate i keep reading these and im like wow shes so cool and then i remember she's my future roommate !!!! yay happy life one happy family yayayay so excites !!