queer adjective (STRANGE)
(old-fashioned)
strange, unusual, or not expected:
what a queer thing to say!
i’m feeling rather queer (= ill), may i sit down?
this is about to be a queer story.
let’s start with where we should obviously start. i had my first crush (a girl, how surprising) at the age of 11.
that’s the short story about how i figured out my queerness.
in popular media so many stories end with characters coming to terms with their sexuality. so much of queer media is spent on coming to terms with one’s identity. but, i think, the story goes much more beyond that.
now, on to more interesting things.
i don’t like labels. queer labels are, well, queer.
one thing people really love to do is to put things into boxes, to categorise things, so that they are able to group people together and understand them as a whole.
the first time i heard the word lesbian was in what, 2019? life at that time was very odd because identifying oneself as queer seemed to be a very popular thing to do, both in popular culture and in my social circles (i would not say that that is the case today, unfortunately). people were more often than not claiming themselves to be bisexual, certainly a “safer” option in most people’s eyes (this is still the case today). so when i first “came out” it was as a “bisexual”. i am lucky, to have had the environment that i was in, because i found acceptance.
but that very quickly morphed into being more of a “lesbian”. i can’t remember what exactly caused this shift. more crushes, more thoughts, more of everything. my understanding was quite self-centred, which is fair enough – after all, this is a personal issue.
i quite like the “lesbian” label, actually. after i had grown comfortable with the label i became much more comfortable in talking to people about my queerness. yet as i have grown older i have become much more reclusive about my sexuality, not because i am no longer proud of my identity but rather it seems like such an inconsequential part of it.
i am often asked what it is like to be queer. to me the saddest part about being queer is that people ask me this question; i wish i didn’t have to answer such questions! i don’t know what people are thinking when they ask such questions; but in my head, recognising that i am queer is probably the least interesting part of my journey in understanding my sexuality. being queer is so much more than just a label, i think, because it ignores the journey i took to where i am now.
i first got access to netflix from an ex-girlfriend, who very kindly shared account details with me; i paid it forward and her netflix account password got shared with my entire family, causing my parents to purchase a netflix subscription after we had broken up (yes, she is canonically the reason why we have netflix).
getting a netflix account is important in the queer story, because the good thing about having access to netflix was my newfound access to queer media.
people who knew me at this time know that i was obsessed with “the half of it”. (actually, i am still quite sure that i can recite most dialogues from this film – i’ve watched it way too many times to count.) “the half of it” is a coming-of-age queer movie, albeit a not very good one (the plot itself isn’t that interesting, and many negative stereotypes are reinforced) but it made me realise that i wanted to become an educated queer person, not just on queer history and issues but on the world at large. (fun fact: this movie is why i read “remains of the day” by kazuo ishiguro and “no exit” by jean-paul sartre.) i suddenly felt that i didn’t know enough to justify my sexuality (or anything, for that matter) and had the strong desire to learn more.
after that i consumed a lot more media, not anything queer-specific but really anything that interested me. i started watching orange is the new black in january 2021; it was the first time that i really saw lesbian relationships at the forefront, and so many of them! we are so lucky. not that i was specifically attracted to a character, but i felt so much more represented.
i first watched rupaul’s drag race in august of 2022, in and around the time that i was preparing for chinese o-level oral. i first watched season 8, i don’t know why, it wasn’t the first and it wasn’t the most recent. and it’s definitely not the best season: it had a small cast with comparatively little drama. it felt like the first time that i saw feminity being celebrated in a unique way. queens walk the runway in clothing that tells a story with personality. i can’t say that it’s the reason why i ended up wearing a dress to prom, but it did open my eyes to it.
(huge shoutout to netflix for all the queer people that they have supported.)
what makes one queer? i think that that was a question i had to answer myself. it didn’t feel satisfactory for me to feel a certain way over something that i couldn’t justify. how could i denounce the default and come out to be something different? when i was younger (i can say that now. fuck) there seemed to be things that i had to achieve in order to justify to myself that i was, in fact, queer. getting a girlfriend was one of those things; in quick succession there were multiple who came and went. it felt like a stamp, a solid proof of my queerness.
it is rather unfortunate that i thought that that had to be the case. because, straight people never have to think this way. they adopt the label but they don’t see any need or feel any pressure to justify it.
i was not ready to be in a relationship at that time. i don’t think most people are, but alas, that is a part of growing up. what i wanted was certainty, but relationships are much more than that. in hindsight, probably a good thing to have such experiences, not as “test runs”, but to get a deeper understanding of oneself…
it would be a few years before i got into another relationship.
there is a sense of dread over what i have to write, the mere thought of putting this into words. there are things that are still changing, and will continue to change – i think a lot of my existence has been spent on not thinking about my own queerness and distracting myself from going deeper into the mechanics of my sexuality. slowly, we will get there.
example. one of the first times i heard about trans people was through reading a national geographic magazine (!) (my mom gave it to me) (how confusing). national geographic did a special issue on gender sometime in 2017, and that was the first time i ever thought about gender. in the magazine they had a segment on kids who had transitioned (think 9-12 years old). i could not believe that people my age had thought about this and knew with such conviction that they were not comfortable in the gender they had been assigned.
quite frankly i don’t think i think about gender as much as i should. it bugs me from time to time, in a dim “i saw the tv glow” way. most recently after i changed my glasses. it’s always these little things.
i will confess that i have been suppressing such feelings, which i know isn’t great, but i also know that i am happy the way that i am. but could it be better? i don’t know yet.
it is quite astounding that after all these years, there are still unanswered questions. there is still so much more to know.
i never use the word “queer”. it’s just not something that people normally use in their daily conversations. perhaps that is why i am finding so much joy in writing about it – it doesn’t really describe anything “useful” as to who i’m attracted to or my gender. but because of what it meant before it appeared in the queer lexicon. i think the wonderful part of being queer is about the queer experience that comes with it, and that is a beautiful story that continues to be told.
queer adjective (SEX AND GENDER)
having or relating to a gender identity or a sexuality that does not fit society’s traditional ideas about gender or sexuality:
he says they use the word “queer” to include anyone who wants to be included (gay, bi, trans, whatever).
they strongly identify with queer culture.
this is beautiful :") i'm really glad you're more comfortable with your queerness, and everything is a journey!! i will absolutely support you all the way through (if i have the privilege to)!
i enjoyed reading this